Silently Awake

When words are used to try and convince others that a certain way to live is right, it opens the door to conflict. A true testament of any awakening is demonstrated in silence because silence is what one awakens to.

Social media is a useful tools that can be used to connect with people and assist each other where years ago one was basically on their own, as far as interaction was concerned. Books were always available, but books limit ones expansion to what’s written because one can only learn what content is presented in a book. It’s very difficult for the expansion of the mind through knowledge alone. It’s why I find social media so comical at times because some of the content of the things written are as limiting as the content of a book. People throw phrases around like the words really mean something, they only do to a Conditioned Mind. You see if the mind wasn’t conditioned, the need for defining phrases wouldn’t be needed. When there’s an awareness that there’s no explaining necessary to try and convince anyone of a correct way, it’s then that real freedom from the bondage of self can be realized. Everyone’s way is correct to a degree because it’s what’s provided to them; no two people are provided with the same exact view.

The point of this post is to show words aren’t truly needed to define enlightenment, Nirvana, God, love, or whatever else one wants to use to define their insightfulness, which by the way is mostly made up by the Conditioned Mind. When true freedom is discovered, it manifest as silence; words aren’t needed. The less one uses words to try and convince others that there’s a certain way to live, the more the way is demonstrated to others; being an example of love needs no convincing. Everyone discovers what the Universe provides for them, nothing more nothing less, and as soon as this is realized, it’s then that one will be truly free because there will be no words needed to explain or convince others that there’s a certain way to live. This will be seen by those who understand answers cannot be defined with words because answers can only arise when there is silence.

Life's Intentions

Life has its own intentions and when the mind is quiet one will be in alignment with them. This isn’t to satisfy our made up mind intentions, but strictly for ones that are solely for the betterment of the Universe.

You do what you do because your Conditioned Mind tells you what to do. You wake up in the morning and the day begins. You do whatever it is that you do and about sixteen hours later it’s time to call it a day and go to sleep just so you can do it again tomorrow. We say tomorrow, but the reality of life is it’s one continuous journey, there aren’t really any breaks in it. Time, days, years, decades, centuries, are all man made concepts that are used to the extent of establishing some structure in life, but they are attached to way to much; they’re actually designed to control you.

I’m not saying nothing matters, but does anyone living really know what the intentions of life is? Life’s intention is relatively unknown, sure we can make something up and as a species we’re actually very good at this. We can have intentions about helping others, or loving others, raising a family, being kind, working on this or that, or whatever it is that we use to justify our existence, but the bottom line is one day just like that and without permission, BANG our existence ends. Only when it’s realized to be mindful of the present moment is life’s true intention fulfilled because in that moment there’s no time, days, years, decades, centuries, or whatever else the Conditioned Mind uses to block the Universe from using one for its intent. The only thing needed for this to occur is to be still and once there’s stillness one is used for the betterment of the Universe, not for a created intention to fulfill the Conditioned Mind.

The Suffering of "I"

Because the Conditioned Mind isn’t understood enough it’s very difficult to notice the insights that reveal the cause of suffering, hence without these insights one remains entrapped to “l” wanting things different.

Anytime the present moment is wanted different, instantly this causes the one wanting it different to suffer. Why this suffering happens isn’t because of what’s occurring, it happens because of the attachment to a delusional “I” only the idea of “I” could ever want anything different and thus suffer. This is so subtle that it’s missed by most people, even those who claim to be deeply spiritual. Why this is missed is because the Conditioned Mind isn’t understood at the level that allows for this insight to be seen. Many have a practice that’s mind based and so much of what’s in place is from the intellect. True peace can never be fully experienced from the intellect alone, it can assist in getting the mind to settle enough to allow insights to arise without having to make something up, but the mind will have to be minus any story to allow this.

Wanting the slightest thing that arises in the moment different causes suffering. From a simple hang nail, to losing a loved one, or even wanting a loved one, and on and on. Although some things will be attached to more than others, the base of the delusional “I” is the common denominator of all suffering. It has nothing to do with what one thinks is causing the suffering, only attachment causes it and “I” is at the core. Very difficult to see because this “I” will tell you you’re not suffering. It will tell you that the writer of this article doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but if what I wrote wasn’t true, it would just roll off and your “I” wouldn’t give it a second thought. For me I’ve learned the delusional “I” is the cause of suffering and the only way one will ever be free from it is to let go of “I”.

Present Moment Tie In

There’s one very important piece that most people miss when it comes to living life in the most beneficial way possible and that’s living in the present moment, not in a conceptual way, but in a way that ties it all in.

Because nothing truly happens outside the realm of Now if the tools one is using to live life don’t tie it all into the present moment, the delusion of everything being somewhere out there will be the base of existence. There has to be a tool in place to tie it in to the Now until this becomes second nature. Life is mostly lived as if it’s somewhere out there because that’s the conditioning in place and until there’s something to establish a tie to the present, nothing changes as the delusion of somewhere out there continues its dominance and living life in a truly beneficial way only occurs by accident.

The breath is one tool that can be used as a tie, there’s also sitting, chants, tapping, guided mediations, and array of other things. The important thing here to realize is that these things aren’t magical, what they do is tie you into the Now and because Now is the only place that truly exist, you are in harmony with life as it is. This simple yet profound truth is missed by most people because of the nonsense (no sense) of the Conditioned Mind and hence your struggle to find this harmony remains. It’s not that harmony isn’t possible, it’s just not experienced because the present moment tie isn’t being utilized.

Comparing You with Yourself

There’s only one comparison that matters in life, it’s comparing you with yourself and only to the extent of how much freer you are today as opposed to what held you in bondage yesterday.

Each day there are endless opportunities to learn not so much how to be free, but what prevents you from being free. My awakening process has not been one of learning the great secrets of the Universe, it has been a direct comparison of how much bondage there was in my life as opposed to how much there is now. Any spin can be put on this, but to me the bottom line is the less one is controlled by their conditioning, the less bondage there is, and the less bondage there is, the more one comes from a place that tends to be a true benefit to themselves and humanity.

There was conditioning in place to be very selfish for most of my life, I don’t hold this against me, as a matter of fact it doesn’t even matter. What does matter is I’m not like this today, and the only reason this is so is because it was revealed how much suffering being selfish causes; not much else really concerns me. I compare myself to the way I was for forty nine years as opposed to today and what changed was a simple but profound shift that allowed me to not be controlled by the noise of the Conditioned Mind any longer. I use this comparing me to myself as a reflection tool and that’s it. It’s been a true measurement for me, but only to the extent that provides a clear cut picture of how I was and the blessing that’s been bestowed upon me to not be that way anymore.

The Weight of the World

One of the reasons it’s so difficult to break free from the Conditioned Mind is because most days start out by picking up where one left off the day before. This is what it feels like to carry around the weight of the world.

The world can weigh you down because it’s as if you bend down when the day starts and literally pick up all the conditioning that has been amassed up to the age that you are. For me I carried around forty nine years of amassed conditioning until I began to say no to bending down and picking it up. This amassing was done only because I knew no other way, so every morning this taking the world upon my shoulders had to be done; like I said it was as if I was bending down and picking up whatever conditioning was there. This equates to the weight of world because that’s how heavy the conditioning is. When you begin to see how the heaviness of what you are carrying around is only there because you’ve picked it up, you can begin to not do this and watch life become much lighter.

There’s such a lightness to life when the conditioning isn’t carried around and even if it does arise, it still doesn’t have to be carried. Carry around amassed conditioning or simply not picking it up is as different as night a day. It’s the difference between being weighed down by attachment or having free flowing energy in control. Nobody can force you to bend down and pick something up, it’s simply done so because of your own conditioning in place, but when there’s an understanding of this even though the mind may say bend over and pick this up, you can just say no and remain free from carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Confusing Conditioning

The thing about the Conditioned Mind is it makes you unconsciously do things that aren’t beneficial to you or anyone else. This is the epitome of unconsciousness.

One incident that sticks out for me is when I was living with a women while working at my fathers restaurant. The restaurant would close around 10pm. On this night I vividly remember telling my lady friend I would be home right after work and I had every intention of doing just that. What I didn’t know is the conditioning in place had other plans. After work I stopped at the liquor store across the street to pick up a six pack of beer to bring home. The liquor store owner was a friend and he asked me if I wanted to do a line of cocaine, of course I said yes and this ignited the craving of more. As soon as the coke was taken, the thought of going home vanished as if it never existed. Needless to say I finally went home around 6am after going to a party and having sex with another women. Of course there was much guilt and remorse and because of this as soon as I got up I started drinking and smoking marijuana. This was the merry go round of my Conditioned Mind.

Unfortunately this wasn’t an isolated incident. My intentions never matched my actions. I did things of this nature over and over without any understanding as to why. My heart and head were never in sync and the suffering this caused was immense. Because I didn’t understand the conditioning that was the driving force behind this behavior, the guilt and remorse could only be sequestered by drinking more alcohol and doing more drugs. What happened at twenty eight when I stopped using alcohol and drugs is anger took over amongst other things. Today it’s much different because of the awareness that was revealed to me ten years ago about the Conditioned Mind, and although this doesn’t keep conditioned thoughts from arising, it does allow me to not attach to these thoughts and thus the Conditioned Mind doesn’t cause nearly as much suffering as it once did. This understanding is at the core of the liberation that was afforded me and it was done simply by understanding my own mind.

"Grasping at Straws"

One of the obstacles that’s used to keep you in a state of unconsciousness is grasping, and it’s your own mind that keeps this bondage of “grasping at straws” in place.

“Grasping at straws” this idiom refers to a drowning person grabbing any floating object, even a straw, to save themselves, and if there’s one iota of self honesty, this will be seen for the mind bondage that it is. To me this is a perfect example of how to explain one of the obstacles the Conditioned Mind uses to keep a person in a state of unconsciousness. The is the reason reaching for the next fix is the tool that most humans have in place. I know it’s what I had in place for many years and it’s why there wasn’t any stability in my life. Life will be what life is, but if the foundation is one that is “grasping at straws” the ride will be one of chaos, confusion, and mayhem, at best. Everything that happens will be taken as it’s happening to you and when life is made personal look out, all kinds of nonsense arises.

This nonsense was my life for many years simply because “grasping at straws” was at the core of my existence. It’s the grasping itself that will need to be looked at if it’s to ever stop or at least lessen. I grasped for so many things that I would consider the list endless. From drugs and alcohol, to women, gambling, success, God, programs (self help & 12 Step) and so many other things, always thinking the next so called straw was going to save me, but to my dismay it never did. This grasping was something that was deeply rooted within my subconscious, and it was at the core of all my problems; always needing to do, never able to Be. The grasping changed when I stopped reaching for alcohol and drugs in 1987, but nothing internal changes until the conditioning to grasp subsides. Along with this grasping comes a life of bondage, attachment, and much nonsense as this grasping is the root of one’s own created suffering.

Perfectly Unconscious

Waking up doesn’t make you perfect, what it does is it gives you awareness of the “I” imperfections in place, and when one is aware of the harm “I” causes, letting go of its imperfections naturally occurs.

It’s pretty crazy the way life is. It’s something that can’t really be figured out. As in the Grateful Dead song “What a long strange trip its been” is a good description of my life, but I wouldn’t change anything about it, even with all the unconscious suffering that went on for years. The best thing about my life is all the love that I’m surrounded by, to me in the end if anything really matters it will be this. At age twenty eight I stopped using alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism, four years later I got married which is over twenty five years ago. Although that in and of itself is amazing, at the age of thirty two my father saw a son who caused him years of worrying, finally begin to grow up. I was not a burden to him or to my mother any longer. Mom recently died, my dad died some months after my wedding; him seeing me get married is something I cherish to this day.

The part the gets me the most about being unconscious is the people it affects without any knowledge that it’s happening. From the friends I had growing up, to parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, strangers, and just about anyone else who there was contact with, being unconscious caused much harm. It’s why today I simply don’t want to hurt anyone, but I still do because of the conditioning in place, however the intervals in between are much further apart than ever before. The unloving energy of “I” is at the core of being unconscious, it actually is what makes one unconscious, and just because you may want to be loving, it doesn’t mean you will be, especially if there’s much unloving conditioning in place. Waking up doesn’t make you perfect, what it does do is it gives you the awareness of your “I” imperfections in place and when one is aware of the harm “I” can cause, letting go of “I” imperfections naturally occurs, one perfect imperfection at a time.

Love Energy

How energy transforms is as there’s less thoughts of “I” love naturally arises and as this occurs what’s left is the newness of each moment instead of the familiar view of “I” that only produces suffering.

When I was twenty five years old my oldest brother passed away from an aorta hemorrhage brought on by cocaine abuse. This was the catalyst that forced my parents to make me look at my own addicted behavior. Not that I did this willing because one of the mechanisms of the Conditioned Mind is to keep you entrapped to the familiar even if it’s causing your own destruction. I know it’s why my behavior was self destructive because the mind loves to default to what’s familiar. Living life without my coping mechanisms was scary, I wasn’t about to give them up quietly. It took me two years to finally say to myself enough. At the time I thought this was the end of my suffering, but it turned out to be only the beginning. Although alcohol and drugs were no longer being used as coping mechanisms, with the attachment to “I” firmly in place, other things were reached for instead. I was very focused on getting my life together and that’s what become the next fix.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with doing things to improve the quality of life, but I found that even with life exactly how I thought it should be, the Conditioned Mind is never satisfied; it’s default setting of “I” always wants and this makes the next fix conditioning just about impossible to break. This becomes a very familiar habitual behavior pattern and it makes life difficult because it locks in the energy of “I” as an anchor that one lives by. To view life through this “I” energy kept me constantly locked into thoughts about fulfilling selfish desires. For me these manifested as gambling, lust, greed, anger, envy, jealousy false pride, and much more, and although these produced different outward behavior, the core “I” created a common suffering. When I began to see this and needing the next fix energy began to subside, the suffering associated with this familiar mindset also lessened; this is how energy transforms. As there’s less thoughts of “I” love naturally arises and the only thing left is the newness of each moment instead of the view that only produces suffering.

Love: Absent of "I"

When a person seemingly has an inability to love, it’s because for whatever reason an attachment to “I” is in place. When “I” is let go of, love naturally arises.

Growing up I wasn’t very athletic nor was my ability to learn conducive to a classroom or group setting. There wasn’t much awareness of this at the time so my growing up was a constant struggle. I was looked at as a problem kid in school because of this lack of understanding by teachers. I became the class clown who was always looking for attention. I had parents who loved me and also friends who loved me, my problem was I didn’t know how to love me, hence the reason why I used things outside myself as escape mechanisms. What I was escaping from was being with myself, but as the saying goes, you can run, but you can’t hide.

I used alcohol at first and was a black out drinker from early on in my life, but I would also use drugs to the same level. There was so much confusion and it kept me on the merry go round of constantly needing to alter the way that I felt. I was only a child, but most adults in my life were just as clueless as me, only one teacher saw through the facade I had in place.

This inability to love was there because of the attachment to I, but it took me forty nine years to learn this. My dad bought a restaurant and bar when I was seventeen and it enabled me for ten years. From the age of seventeen to twenty six I was high on some kind of substance; there was no way I could ever face the day without ingesting something. I wasn’t a bad kid, I just didn’t know how to love. The friends I had growing up were pushed away because I only had time to fulfill my needs. I began stealing from the restaurant to satisfy my cravings, you see there was only room for me in my life and I would justify anything I did. I would go to any extreme to fulfill these cravings regardless of who got hurt. The sad fact of this is many people are like this today, some to this extreme and some milder, but until this is acknowledged as the way one is, change simply is not possible.

Never Satisfied

Unconsciousness doesn’t excuse one from the way that they act as one is always accountable for their actions, but who can cast the first stone and hold one responsible for acting the only way possible.

A dear friend of mine suggested that I share more stories about how I was before my so called awakening. My hope is that this sharing is found to be useful. One of the stories that stands out for me, explaining just how self destructive I was, is my prom. I got so drunk that I recall very little of what happened that night. The problem with self destructive behavior is it’s selfish with little regard for others; I never even thought about how my behavior affected my date as it was also her prom. Forget what I did to myself, those around me suffered just as much or maybe even more than me because of this selfishness. We truly hurt the one’s who love us the most when we alone are the center of our Universe (attachment to I).

Years ago I attended a friends weddings where some of us at the table took a hit of acid, I took two (I had to). Needless to say we all got thrown out of the wedding. I’m not writing any of this to condone what happened, I’m just trying to show I’m no different than anyone else. We all have our stories, but it’s how we use them to possibly helps other that’s important, but only important to a degree.

Behavior of this manner doesn’t allow you to form relationships with others and I can’t even begin to touch upon the people especially women that were affected by this conditioning. I always had a certain charisma when it came to women, but since I was selfish they were only seen as notches on my belt. There were a lot of notches because no matter who I was with, there was never satisfaction. This is only to show I was caught in the grip of always reaching for the next fix and this was without any awareness whatsoever that this is how it had to be.

Self Destructive Behavior

When it’s realized how often the same behavior patterns are repeated over and over even to the point of one’s own destruction, it is then that those patterns have the possibility of being changed.

I didn’t always have the view of life that I have today, for forty nine years it was much different mostly because there wasn’t much trial and error growing up, it was mostly error; error in the sense of my behavior being self destructive. As far back as I can remember this self destructive behavior was in place, and as I got more access to destructive things such as alcohol, drugs, and gambling to name a few, my self destructive behavior became more frequent; and unfortunately more destructive. It began as far back as kindergarten when for whatever reason I remember cutting the girls hair who sat in front of me. I have no idea why this was done, but this was the beginning of mind patterns of doing things without any thought whatsoever as to what the consequences would be.

I seemed to always have more brashness than brains, which is a major part of destructive behavior. I always did more than what everyone around me did. If they bet $20 on a horse, I bet $100. If they drank a half pint of rum, I drank a pint. This pattern which caused me a lot of problems, went on for many years, but it wasn’t done because I was trying to out do anybody, it was just the “always needing more” attitude that was in place. It’s not always easy to see where my writings come from because my past isn’t discussed much, but as destructive as my behavior was, I am alive today to share it with others. The list is endless of the self destructive things I did; bet and lose twelve basketballs in a row and my answer to that was to bet another game. When I stopped using the obvious self destructive tools at the age of twenty eight, the only thing that really changed was the self destructive tools became much more subtle. This changed totally for me at the age of forty nine. My writings will be focused on content like this for a few days so those who read my articles can get a better understanding of what inspires me to write as I do.

Past to Present Labels

When the Conditioned Mind is in control, you will have to make up story after story because all you can do is reach into the baggage you are carrying around that’s filled with labels from the past.

Every thought that arises is given a label from some past experience that’s being held onto. Think of the labels that are put on things including people, they’re all derived from some past experience brought into the present. It’s like carrying around different bags for each thought that arises and these bags are filled with memories, descriptions, judgements and what not. Parents, family in general, co workers (all associations for that matter), food, entertainment, music, alcohol, God, religion and on and on, everything that arises in the present moment has already been labeled by something from the past. So how objective are we really when it comes to being open minded? How much truth can be known if there are already labels in place? This is why sitting is so valuable, it allows space before a label is applied.

Right now wherever you are think of someone you know that isn’t with you. Do you not already have a label for them? Where does it come from? It comes from one of your bags from the past. It’s something that’s being carried around so the label of what is being thought of is already there, but it’s only there because of carrying around the past. Something not known isn’t labeled because there’s no past attached to it. To not carry around baggage from the past is to be in a place of open mindedness, a place of non judgement. This is a place where the stories of the Conditioned Mind aren’t needed. If there isn’t some form of discipline being used to allow the mind to settle, you can just resign yourself to the fact that your mind is in control and you will have to make up story after story because all you can do is reach into the bags you are carrying around that are filled with labels from the past.

Accumulative Energy

If we didn’t carry the burdens of past moments into the present, our accumulative energy would never form burdens and we would be free to live life as it actually occurred.

Most of the so called problems that occur in life are due to making things cumulative. I always carried past moments into the present and never understood this until I was at work one day. I work twelve hour shifts and we were working a lot of overtime, this particular week I was on my fifth day in a row. I was talking to one of my shift mates when he asked me if I was tired because of this being my fifth day of work in a row. As I began to answer him, the thought that popped into my head was “What does the previous four days of work have to do with today.” As I thought about this, I saw how so much of the burdens that I carried around for most of my life were strictly formed from not understanding how not to make the events of my life cumulative. It’s a skill that eluded me and made life more burdensome than was necessary.

Imagine a life without the cumulative affect; it can become a reality with practice. Life would be like water running off a ducks back. Things would never accumulate and become an issue. These accumulations are the very thing that makes life feel like it’s a burden. If it was learned to truly live in the moment and not carry the burdens of past into the present, our cumulative burdens would never materialize and we would be free to be with what arises. Life can be happy, joyous, and free without difficulties if there was the understanding that it is one continuous journey and the past moments have nothing to do with the present. Don’t carry around and accumulate the events of the past and you won’t be weighed down by your self-created burdens; this is when life will be truly lived.