One incident that sticks out for me is when I was living with a women while working at my fathers restaurant. The restaurant would close around 10pm. On this night I vividly remember telling my lady friend I would be home right after work and I had every intention of doing just that. What I didn’t know is the conditioning in place had other plans. After work I stopped at the liquor store across the street to pick up a six pack of beer to bring home. The liquor store owner was a friend and he asked me if I wanted to do a line of cocaine, of course I said yes and this ignited the craving of more. As soon as the coke was taken, the thought of going home vanished as if it never existed. Needless to say I finally went home around 6am after going to a party and having sex with another women. Of course there was much guilt and remorse and because of this as soon as I got up I started drinking and smoking marijuana. This was the merry go round of my Conditioned Mind.
Unfortunately this wasn’t an isolated incident. My intentions never matched my actions. I did things of this nature over and over without any understanding as to why. My heart and head were never in sync and the suffering this caused was immense. Because I didn’t understand the conditioning that was the driving force behind this behavior, the guilt and remorse could only be sequestered by drinking more alcohol and doing more drugs. What happened at twenty eight when I stopped using alcohol and drugs is anger took over amongst other things. Today it’s much different because of the awareness that was revealed to me ten years ago about the Conditioned Mind, and although this doesn’t keep conditioned thoughts from arising, it does allow me to not attach to these thoughts and thus the Conditioned Mind doesn’t cause nearly as much suffering as it once did. This understanding is at the core of the liberation that was afforded me and it was done simply by understanding my own mind.
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