Growing up I wasn’t very athletic nor was my ability to learn conducive to a classroom or group setting. There wasn’t much awareness of this at the time so my growing up was a constant struggle. I was looked at as a problem kid in school because of this lack of understanding by teachers. I became the class clown who was always looking for attention. I had parents who loved me and also friends who loved me, my problem was I didn’t know how to love me, hence the reason why I used things outside myself as escape mechanisms. What I was escaping from was being with myself, but as the saying goes, you can run, but you can’t hide.
I used alcohol at first and was a black out drinker from early on in my life, but I would also use drugs to the same level. There was so much confusion and it kept me on the merry go round of constantly needing to alter the way that I felt. I was only a child, but most adults in my life were just as clueless as me, only one teacher saw through the facade I had in place.
This inability to love was there because of the attachment to I, but it took me forty nine years to learn this. My dad bought a restaurant and bar when I was seventeen and it enabled me for ten years. From the age of seventeen to twenty six I was high on some kind of substance; there was no way I could ever face the day without ingesting something. I wasn’t a bad kid, I just didn’t know how to love. The friends I had growing up were pushed away because I only had time to fulfill my needs. I began stealing from the restaurant to satisfy my cravings, you see there was only room for me in my life and I would justify anything I did. I would go to any extreme to fulfill these cravings regardless of who got hurt. The sad fact of this is many people are like this today, some to this extreme and some milder, but until this is acknowledged as the way one is, change simply is not possible.
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