Inner Torment

Inner Torment: Excerpt from "It's Monday Only in Your Mind: You Are Not Your Thoughts" - Pg 70

Being busy creates a diversion, but it doesn’t fix the problem. It’s only a temporary solution to the problem.

My inner torment was eating at me most of the time. Not all the time, because when I was preoccupied with some activity at least my mind had another focus. And as long as my mind was busy I didn’t think about how I was feeling. I may not have been doing things that were conducive to my spiritual well-being, but it was better than feeling discontented. Being busy creates a diversion, but it doesn’t fix the problem. It’s only a temporary solution to the problem.

In a new town I was still attending the twelve-step program, but I was not going to as many meetings as before — maybe to only four a week. I was still coping with life through my Conditioned Mind Patterns, so my defense mechanisms were solidly in place. I was still in the grip to these Conditioned Mind Patterns that nearly destroyed my life, but I was still unaware of this.
I continued to feel great resentment of people, past and present. Someone in the twelve-step program suggested that I do two of the steps that directly deal with other people: “Made a list of people we harmed and become willing to make amends to them all,” and: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” I became willing to do this. I mention this because willingness is so vital in our process.

I paid back everyone I owed money to. I met with people I had harmed and made amends. I felt better, and I was glad that was over with. I thought I would never have to do that again, but I was wrong. Because the Conditioned Mind doesn’t need a substance to be self-centered, it was just using other things to create drama in my life. There wasn’t nearly as much drama as when my life was consumed by alcohol and drugs, but there was drama nonetheless.