Inner Suffering

Until the cause of your suffering is understood suffering will be your driving energy, and until you look in the mirror and say “my suffering comes from within” it will remain in place…

Thirteen years ago as a new direction began to take hold in my life, there was a lot of inner searching as I reflected back to see where my suffering arose from. Although I didn’t understand this at the time, all my suffering stemmed from one source and that was my ego. There are as many definitions of the ego as there are people on this planet and whether it truly exist or not, mine was killing me. The thing about the ego is before it kills you there’s so much suffering along the way; the insanity of this is it’s one’s own mind that causes this.

I don’t blame the ego to not be accountable for what I did, but I don’t hold myself responsible because there’s no way anything could have been done differently. I only responded to life with the tools that were developed and without knowing this, I couldn’t have done anything differently. What I have discovered about the ego is it doesn’t truly exist, but it always seems to be there causing suffering because it has become a huge part of humanity’s conditioning, at least this is how it was for me.

One example that helped me understand this was looking back at the relationships or lack of them in my life. I would only be with someone until I got what I wanted and then it was time to move on; it was always time to move on because there was always some kind of made up discomfort in me. I used everything to try and ease this and for reasons I never understood suffering was always the consequence of this behavior. Today I see how my ego is never satisfied and how it’s the driving force behind all suffering. The ego is driven strictly for it’s own satisfaction regardless of the harm it causes, this revelation helped pave the way for the liberation from my ego’s grip; not its demise its liberation. A liberation that manifested not as getting rid of the ego, but understanding it because until the cause of your suffering is understood it will continue to be the driving energy of your life…